It's Love, love, love...

I Choo-choo-choose You!

Valentine's Day: a holiday celebrated by consuming mass quantities of sugar and chocolate; a.k.a., Diet Kryptonite. February can get awfully dreary, so it's understandable that the 14th was chosen, to perk things up with an absolutely inane holiday. Nevertheless, when you've got Bikini Season firmly in your sights, it's harrowing to walk through grocery stores bursting at the seams with boxes of chocolate.

Indulging on Valentine's Day is not only acceptable, it's healthy. The occasional piece of chocolate is always cool. The problems only develop when one brownie turns into seven. That's why the Pink Patch Blog has created a brand-new list of sweet treats that are healthier versions of indulgent delights, like the Chocolate-Ginger Panini. 

* Granny Smith apple slices with 1 -2 tablespoons Nutella (chocolate-hazelnut spread)

* Fresh Anjou pears with part-skim ricotta and chopped pecans

* Strawberries with low-fat, low sugar chocolate pudding

* Dried apricots or plums dipped in melted dark chocolate

* Pineapple rounds coated with non-fat yogurt and sprinkled with cinnamon, broiled until golden

* Creamy Greek-style non-fat yogurt topped with honey-mashed blueberries

* * * Ginger-Chocolate Paninis: make a sandwich with two slices whole grain bread, chopped dark chocolate and minced crystallized-ginger. Grill using a sandwich press or hot grill pan.  Cut in wedges and serve! (Based on the famous "chocolate sandwich" served at Diner, in Williamsburg, Brooklyn)

Rubyfruit Sass

Grapefruit has been the iconic diet food since the Scarsdale Diet, which was all the rage back in the '70s. The truth is, there's much more to this beauty than the "half a grapefruit with black coffee and a hardboiled egg" diet breakfast. Though very tart, grapefruit is highly addictive once you've acquired the taste for it. Full of vitamin C and antioxidants, and possessing a low glycemic index, grapefruit can help lower cholesterol and boost metabolism (thus it's popularity with diets). And like it's sweeter sister, the orange, it's endlessly versatile. Try:

Chicken Salad with Avocado and Grapefruit

Mix grilled chicken strips (boneless and skinless, of course) with some low-fat mayo and a bit of Dijon mustard. Serve on a bed of baby spinach tossed with with avocado slices and grapefruit segments.

Grapefruit Caprese

Top grapefruit rounds with part-skim mozzarella slices. Drizzle with a little extra-virgin olive oil, sprinkle with chopped fresh basil and ground black pepper, and serve. *Very good as a brunch side or first course.

Grapefruit Bellini

Add 1 part grapefruit juice to 2 parts Prosecco, champagne, or other sparkling wine. Add 1 grapefruit segment to each glass, and serve. *You can make a non-alcoholic version by substituting a fruit-flavored seltzer, such as lemon or raspberry, for the wine.

Grapefruit-Coconut Parfait

In a blender or food processor, combine part-skim ricotta cheese and unsweetened flaked coconut, and if you like, a pinch of a good quality sugar substitute (such as Splenda). Cut grapefruit into segments and roughly chop. Cut 1 slice angel food cake into cubes. In a tall glass, layer a bit of cake, a spoonful of ricotta mixture, and some chopped grapefruit. Repeat (you should have 2 layers of each ingredient.) Dust with a little cocoa powder, and serve.

Jessica Simpson: Cry Me a SlimFast

I'm sure you haven't heard PEEP about J.Simp's weight gain. What a whale she's become, huh? I'm so sure the ground trembles beneath her thundering thighs. Seriously, is this claw-fest for real? It's not like she's is a Weekly World News cover girl. She gained 15 lbs, 20 tops, and everyone's behaving like she contracted a fatal disease. The woman is a veritable Pity Party Buffet.

Here are the 3 reasons why I don't feel bad for her.

1. She's been at the center of one multi-million-dollar enterprise or another (I almost gagged writing that, but it's true) since she was 16.

2. She receives clothing and accessories for FREE (though she can obviously afford them), which cost thousands of dollars for us non-famous plebeians. (Honestly, how hard do you think it is for Jessica Simpson to score emerald earrings and a Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress?)

3. She has access to more make-up, hair and fitness professionals than you and I could ever achieve in a lifetime. Seriously, unless she has a meltdown of Britney-sized proportion, Jess will have lost the weight in a month and a half, and we'll be reading about her Miracle Diet while we wait on line at the supermarket.

Now, here are the reasons why I do feel sorry for her. Full disclosure: I faithfully acknowledge that the following reasons were based on choices she made when she was naive, inexperienced, and listening to a management team of short-sighted jackals.

1. She chose to base her entire career on her youth, beauty and stupidity. Maybe Jess's ding-dong routine is all-an-act, a la Marilyn Monroe, but her interviews suggest not (as do her professional choices). Now, as any person with half a brain cell knows, beauty is extremely sensitive, and can turn on you in a New York microsecond. As soon as she gained weight, she became young, fat and dumb. The lesson: stupidity is only a star-quality when you're skinny. Avoid being associated with it, in real life and in Hollywood.

2. She made her virginity a character trait, which, while it undoubtedly had emotional meaning to her, was misguided to say the least. Being the poster-child for Saving Yourself for Marriage was a good PR - I mean, role model move, until her marriage ended in divorce after not-even 4 years. Now what? She said that being a virgin bride was "the only thing [she] ever wanted to do" with her life (and yes, I just admitted to watching Nick & Jessica's MTV Wedding Special). Now what? The lesson: If you want to keep your sex life away from public scrutiny, don't talk about your virginity to People Magazine, or, like, the biggest freakin' gossip you know, or every time there's a microphone in your face. 

3. Her father talked about her breasts to anyone who would listen. Does my sympathy need further explanation? I think not.

I do not feel sorry for her because she gained weight. PLEASE. She will be paid to lose weight by landing several lucrative endorsements (Jenny Craig, anyone?). She already does ProActiv. Also, I have to point out: she was considered to be hot and sexy because she has boobs and hips - she was never, ever considered skinny (in the traditional sense). When women like Jess, who is naturally curvy (and for real, women get plastic surgery to have a rack like hers) gain weight, it tends to show more. People are trashing her for the same reason they loved her. Because she has curves.

Sure, everyone's calling her fat, and that blows. But millions of women endure this kind of treatment from insensitive pinheads. Where's their multi-million-dollar enterprise? Trust me: Jessica Simpson is crying all the way to the bank.

ALSO: Those pants need to be cremated. I think the biggest life lesson all Pink Girls can take from Jessica Simpson is: Never Wear High-Waisted Pants. Just ask the Fug Girls.

First Date on a Diet

Based on what we ova-having beings are told, first dates might as well be job interviews: Only the Perfect You. 

The Perfect You doesn't have a messy bathroom or an occasional cigarette or a secret devotion to Rock of Love with Bret Michaels (BTW, is that show beyond stale now, or what? Even Bret seems bored by third-string silicone and tears). The Perfect You has never been on a diet, or been overweight, or used the Pink Patch, or eaten 12 Snickers bars in a row. The Perfect You wakes up with perfect hair and perfect skin, and uses hardly any make-up because you're so naturally perfect.

Let me guess: you want to create a good first impression by being glamourous and sexy but also not a slut or a moron while flattering him. 

While you are performing a complicated intellectual trapeze act, your Date (remember him?) shall have a great time with a figment of your imagination. This not the point of going on a date. I mean, if you're just looking for a one-night-stand and have no intention of ever interacting with this person again, then who cares? Deceive and manipulate away. But if you wonder what this guy might be like as boyfriend, then I suggest checking your Angelina Jolie-meets-Hayden Panettiere-meets-Holly Golightly routine at the door. This isn't the Candace Bushnell retelling of The 3 Faces of Eve.

Being on a diet is not your defining characteristic. Neither is being/feeling overweight. If you're freaking out about a first date (maybe it's the first date you've had in a while; maybe you've been into this guy for months and he finally noticed you exist; whatever), take a gander. They aren't rules, they're guidelines. 

1. Wear an outfit you know is flattering and makes you feel confident. It doesn't matter if he's seen it before: to paraphrase noted-romantic F. Scott Fitzgerald*, a girl should wear her prettiest dress 3 times in a row rather than alternate it with two frights.

2. Don't tremble (in a bad way) at the thought of a dinner date. Read "Eating Out" for advice on restaurant dining while sticking (unobtrusively) to your diet.

3. If you're shy, read some newspapers online earlier in the day (you should do this ordinarily, if you don't happen to live under a rock). If there's something you find very interesting, bring it up. Have an actual conversation. Do not ever, under any circumstances, use one of Cosmo's "conversation-starters".

4. Don't worry that he's thinking about how much you weigh. Heterosexual men do not think like members of Delta Delta Delta.

5. Watch your alcohol intake, especially if you don't know your date very well. Stick to one kind of drink (preferably wine or neat liquor). One or two can help you relax; 3 or 4 can reduce you to a blubbering mess or make you deeply regretful.

6. Remember that he's got to impress you. Do like being around him? More importantly, do you like yourself when you're around him?

7. Always carry protection, and no, I am not talking about a set of brass knuckles. You're a grown-up woman; act like it.

8. Always carry a good amount of cash on you. Be prepared if he turns out to be a total drip, and refuses to pay for a check, or if you can't stand his presence and need to take a cab [which you should absolutely do if he repulses you. Anyone you find repulsive isn't worth your time].

9. Do your best not make him a figment of your imagination. He isn't perfect either. Odds are he doesn't shave with a blowtorch or leap tall buildings in a single bound. Listen to what he says. Try to remember that he has as many human tendencies as you do.

10. DON'T talk about dating, your best friend's relationship with her ex, your feelings about marriage, or attempt to "Mirror" him like some nutty drop-out from mime school. This is a date. This about you finding a guy who's worth your time. Who cares about moral platitudes or your BF's former-jizzbag? This guy is not a neat little wrapped-up answer to a Cosmo quiz - and neither are you.

* From Bernice Bobs Her Hair

Beauty Foods: For Skin

Unless you are mistaken for a leper on a daily basis, odds are you don't need a battalion of skin products that cost more than your television. What should you do about "problem skin"? Well, at the risk of eliciting a contemptuous snort, you need to decide if you have dry skin or oily skin. Then buy one of each product: a good facewash, a toner, a scrub, a light moisturizer and a face mask. People with oily skin should go for stronger toners, and people with dry skin should moisturize twice daily. Scrubs and masks should be used no more than once a week, or as needed. Good quality, affordable products can be found in every drugstore; Neutrogena and L'Oreal are very reliable brands, as is Queen Helene. And you should include the following foods in your diet:

WHOLE GRAINS: Watching your sugar intake isn't just important for your weight. Maintaining healthy insulin levels improves your digestion, energy - and acne. Make the switch to whole-grain breads and whole-wheat pastas, and always make sure you get a good amount of protein with each serving. Carbs should always be had in moderation of course, but if you're new to healthy eating, making the big whole-grain conversion is the best place to start. Bonus: whole-grains contain a higher amount of fiber than refined carbs. Fiber is responsible for cleaning out the very same toxins that cause pimples and under-eye circles - and is an absolute MUST of any beauty regimen.

FISH: Smoked salmon is one of those rare, delectable foods that taste great and is actually good for you. Omega-3 fatty acids aren't called "essential" for nothing - in addition to myriad health benefits, essential fatty acids found in many types of seafood (not shellfish) reduce clogged pores caused by inflammation. Some ideas: smoked salmon on 1/2 a whole-grain bagel or water-packed tuna (mixed with low-fat mayo and black pepper) on a bed of mixed greens. Vegetarian? No worries; almonds and hazelnuts are high in Omega-3s as well (and they're diet-safe snacks as well!) Psst! The Pink Patch also contains Omega-3s!

WATER: As much as you can drink! Staying well-hydrated helps eliminate dry, flaky skin (a big beauty problem in winter), and flushing your system regularly gets rid of the dirt and gunk that clog pores.

ALOE VERA: No, not the kind you put on sunburns. Aloe Vera is a miracle beauty elixir; like water and Omega-3s, it cleans out toxins leaving your skin radiant and fresh. This is one I swear by: after drinking it for about a week, everyone in sight will be complimenting your healthy, glowing skin. You can find Aloe Vera Juice at most health/whole food stores. Here's how to take it: mix about 2 tablespoons aloe vera with 1 cup no-sugar-added fruit juice. Yes, it will taste a little odd, but I suggest just taking it down in two big gulps. Drink that twice a day and people will demand you share your beauty secret.

Introducing: Beauty Foods

As every Pink Patch girl knows, achieving your goal weight means limiting the foods that cause weight gain. However, dieting affects every part of your body. Glowing skin and shining, silky hair are the results of good facewashes, moisturizers, shampoos and conditioners - but most importantly, of benefit-rich vitamins and minerals. Bottom line: the most vital and complete beauty treatment you need is the essential nutrition found in fats and carbs.

If you're a Feminazi Fat Fighter (FFF), devoted to eliminating every single form of fat from your life (eggs will give you thunder-thighs, skim milk isn't fat-free enough, that sort of thing), you might think that this means you can be either skinny and pimple-addled; or fat with flawless skin. This is absolutely not the case. The hardest part of maintaining or losing weight is finding the middle ground, which is why it's important to have a good understanding of what "healthy food" actually means. For girls on a diet, this can get a little muddled.

In "Beauty Foods", the Pink Patch Blog will discuss what's important to eat, how to incorporate specific fats and carbs into your diet safely, and why these fats and carbs are worth far more than the money you spend on exfoliation treatments and ionized skin creme. Depriving yourself of essential nutrition wreaks havoc on your appearance; think "Whole Body, Whole Beauty". Eating a fat or a carb won't make you a Brontosaurus.

If you're worried that delving into carbs and fats - even the healthy ones - will shatter all the willpower you're working toward (or trying to keep); the Pink Patch can help safely and effectively keep your diet on track. But it comes down how serious you are about achieving and maintaining the Whole New You. No magic wands here, Cinderella: it's time to be your own fairy godmother. Let's woman-up and become the best of what we want, and what we are.