Jessica Simpson: Cry Me a SlimFast

I'm sure you haven't heard PEEP about J.Simp's weight gain. What a whale she's become, huh? I'm so sure the ground trembles beneath her thundering thighs. Seriously, is this claw-fest for real? It's not like she's is a Weekly World News cover girl. She gained 15 lbs, 20 tops, and everyone's behaving like she contracted a fatal disease. The woman is a veritable Pity Party Buffet.

Here are the 3 reasons why I don't feel bad for her.

1. She's been at the center of one multi-million-dollar enterprise or another (I almost gagged writing that, but it's true) since she was 16.

2. She receives clothing and accessories for FREE (though she can obviously afford them), which cost thousands of dollars for us non-famous plebeians. (Honestly, how hard do you think it is for Jessica Simpson to score emerald earrings and a Diane Von Furstenberg wrap dress?)

3. She has access to more make-up, hair and fitness professionals than you and I could ever achieve in a lifetime. Seriously, unless she has a meltdown of Britney-sized proportion, Jess will have lost the weight in a month and a half, and we'll be reading about her Miracle Diet while we wait on line at the supermarket.

Now, here are the reasons why I do feel sorry for her. Full disclosure: I faithfully acknowledge that the following reasons were based on choices she made when she was naive, inexperienced, and listening to a management team of short-sighted jackals.

1. She chose to base her entire career on her youth, beauty and stupidity. Maybe Jess's ding-dong routine is all-an-act, a la Marilyn Monroe, but her interviews suggest not (as do her professional choices). Now, as any person with half a brain cell knows, beauty is extremely sensitive, and can turn on you in a New York microsecond. As soon as she gained weight, she became young, fat and dumb. The lesson: stupidity is only a star-quality when you're skinny. Avoid being associated with it, in real life and in Hollywood.

2. She made her virginity a character trait, which, while it undoubtedly had emotional meaning to her, was misguided to say the least. Being the poster-child for Saving Yourself for Marriage was a good PR - I mean, role model move, until her marriage ended in divorce after not-even 4 years. Now what? She said that being a virgin bride was "the only thing [she] ever wanted to do" with her life (and yes, I just admitted to watching Nick & Jessica's MTV Wedding Special). Now what? The lesson: If you want to keep your sex life away from public scrutiny, don't talk about your virginity to People Magazine, or, like, the biggest freakin' gossip you know, or every time there's a microphone in your face. 

3. Her father talked about her breasts to anyone who would listen. Does my sympathy need further explanation? I think not.

I do not feel sorry for her because she gained weight. PLEASE. She will be paid to lose weight by landing several lucrative endorsements (Jenny Craig, anyone?). She already does ProActiv. Also, I have to point out: she was considered to be hot and sexy because she has boobs and hips - she was never, ever considered skinny (in the traditional sense). When women like Jess, who is naturally curvy (and for real, women get plastic surgery to have a rack like hers) gain weight, it tends to show more. People are trashing her for the same reason they loved her. Because she has curves.

Sure, everyone's calling her fat, and that blows. But millions of women endure this kind of treatment from insensitive pinheads. Where's their multi-million-dollar enterprise? Trust me: Jessica Simpson is crying all the way to the bank.

ALSO: Those pants need to be cremated. I think the biggest life lesson all Pink Girls can take from Jessica Simpson is: Never Wear High-Waisted Pants. Just ask the Fug Girls.

First Date on a Diet

Based on what we ova-having beings are told, first dates might as well be job interviews: Only the Perfect You. 

The Perfect You doesn't have a messy bathroom or an occasional cigarette or a secret devotion to Rock of Love with Bret Michaels (BTW, is that show beyond stale now, or what? Even Bret seems bored by third-string silicone and tears). The Perfect You has never been on a diet, or been overweight, or used the Pink Patch, or eaten 12 Snickers bars in a row. The Perfect You wakes up with perfect hair and perfect skin, and uses hardly any make-up because you're so naturally perfect.

Let me guess: you want to create a good first impression by being glamourous and sexy but also not a slut or a moron while flattering him. 

While you are performing a complicated intellectual trapeze act, your Date (remember him?) shall have a great time with a figment of your imagination. This not the point of going on a date. I mean, if you're just looking for a one-night-stand and have no intention of ever interacting with this person again, then who cares? Deceive and manipulate away. But if you wonder what this guy might be like as boyfriend, then I suggest checking your Angelina Jolie-meets-Hayden Panettiere-meets-Holly Golightly routine at the door. This isn't the Candace Bushnell retelling of The 3 Faces of Eve.

Being on a diet is not your defining characteristic. Neither is being/feeling overweight. If you're freaking out about a first date (maybe it's the first date you've had in a while; maybe you've been into this guy for months and he finally noticed you exist; whatever), take a gander. They aren't rules, they're guidelines. 

1. Wear an outfit you know is flattering and makes you feel confident. It doesn't matter if he's seen it before: to paraphrase noted-romantic F. Scott Fitzgerald*, a girl should wear her prettiest dress 3 times in a row rather than alternate it with two frights.

2. Don't tremble (in a bad way) at the thought of a dinner date. Read "Eating Out" for advice on restaurant dining while sticking (unobtrusively) to your diet.

3. If you're shy, read some newspapers online earlier in the day (you should do this ordinarily, if you don't happen to live under a rock). If there's something you find very interesting, bring it up. Have an actual conversation. Do not ever, under any circumstances, use one of Cosmo's "conversation-starters".

4. Don't worry that he's thinking about how much you weigh. Heterosexual men do not think like members of Delta Delta Delta.

5. Watch your alcohol intake, especially if you don't know your date very well. Stick to one kind of drink (preferably wine or neat liquor). One or two can help you relax; 3 or 4 can reduce you to a blubbering mess or make you deeply regretful.

6. Remember that he's got to impress you. Do like being around him? More importantly, do you like yourself when you're around him?

7. Always carry protection, and no, I am not talking about a set of brass knuckles. You're a grown-up woman; act like it.

8. Always carry a good amount of cash on you. Be prepared if he turns out to be a total drip, and refuses to pay for a check, or if you can't stand his presence and need to take a cab [which you should absolutely do if he repulses you. Anyone you find repulsive isn't worth your time].

9. Do your best not make him a figment of your imagination. He isn't perfect either. Odds are he doesn't shave with a blowtorch or leap tall buildings in a single bound. Listen to what he says. Try to remember that he has as many human tendencies as you do.

10. DON'T talk about dating, your best friend's relationship with her ex, your feelings about marriage, or attempt to "Mirror" him like some nutty drop-out from mime school. This is a date. This about you finding a guy who's worth your time. Who cares about moral platitudes or your BF's former-jizzbag? This guy is not a neat little wrapped-up answer to a Cosmo quiz - and neither are you.

* From Bernice Bobs Her Hair

Beauty Foods: For Skin

Unless you are mistaken for a leper on a daily basis, odds are you don't need a battalion of skin products that cost more than your television. What should you do about "problem skin"? Well, at the risk of eliciting a contemptuous snort, you need to decide if you have dry skin or oily skin. Then buy one of each product: a good facewash, a toner, a scrub, a light moisturizer and a face mask. People with oily skin should go for stronger toners, and people with dry skin should moisturize twice daily. Scrubs and masks should be used no more than once a week, or as needed. Good quality, affordable products can be found in every drugstore; Neutrogena and L'Oreal are very reliable brands, as is Queen Helene. And you should include the following foods in your diet:

WHOLE GRAINS: Watching your sugar intake isn't just important for your weight. Maintaining healthy insulin levels improves your digestion, energy - and acne. Make the switch to whole-grain breads and whole-wheat pastas, and always make sure you get a good amount of protein with each serving. Carbs should always be had in moderation of course, but if you're new to healthy eating, making the big whole-grain conversion is the best place to start. Bonus: whole-grains contain a higher amount of fiber than refined carbs. Fiber is responsible for cleaning out the very same toxins that cause pimples and under-eye circles - and is an absolute MUST of any beauty regimen.

FISH: Smoked salmon is one of those rare, delectable foods that taste great and is actually good for you. Omega-3 fatty acids aren't called "essential" for nothing - in addition to myriad health benefits, essential fatty acids found in many types of seafood (not shellfish) reduce clogged pores caused by inflammation. Some ideas: smoked salmon on 1/2 a whole-grain bagel or water-packed tuna (mixed with low-fat mayo and black pepper) on a bed of mixed greens. Vegetarian? No worries; almonds and hazelnuts are high in Omega-3s as well (and they're diet-safe snacks as well!) Psst! The Pink Patch also contains Omega-3s!

WATER: As much as you can drink! Staying well-hydrated helps eliminate dry, flaky skin (a big beauty problem in winter), and flushing your system regularly gets rid of the dirt and gunk that clog pores.

ALOE VERA: No, not the kind you put on sunburns. Aloe Vera is a miracle beauty elixir; like water and Omega-3s, it cleans out toxins leaving your skin radiant and fresh. This is one I swear by: after drinking it for about a week, everyone in sight will be complimenting your healthy, glowing skin. You can find Aloe Vera Juice at most health/whole food stores. Here's how to take it: mix about 2 tablespoons aloe vera with 1 cup no-sugar-added fruit juice. Yes, it will taste a little odd, but I suggest just taking it down in two big gulps. Drink that twice a day and people will demand you share your beauty secret.

Introducing: Beauty Foods

As every Pink Patch girl knows, achieving your goal weight means limiting the foods that cause weight gain. However, dieting affects every part of your body. Glowing skin and shining, silky hair are the results of good facewashes, moisturizers, shampoos and conditioners - but most importantly, of benefit-rich vitamins and minerals. Bottom line: the most vital and complete beauty treatment you need is the essential nutrition found in fats and carbs.

If you're a Feminazi Fat Fighter (FFF), devoted to eliminating every single form of fat from your life (eggs will give you thunder-thighs, skim milk isn't fat-free enough, that sort of thing), you might think that this means you can be either skinny and pimple-addled; or fat with flawless skin. This is absolutely not the case. The hardest part of maintaining or losing weight is finding the middle ground, which is why it's important to have a good understanding of what "healthy food" actually means. For girls on a diet, this can get a little muddled.

In "Beauty Foods", the Pink Patch Blog will discuss what's important to eat, how to incorporate specific fats and carbs into your diet safely, and why these fats and carbs are worth far more than the money you spend on exfoliation treatments and ionized skin creme. Depriving yourself of essential nutrition wreaks havoc on your appearance; think "Whole Body, Whole Beauty". Eating a fat or a carb won't make you a Brontosaurus.

If you're worried that delving into carbs and fats - even the healthy ones - will shatter all the willpower you're working toward (or trying to keep); the Pink Patch can help safely and effectively keep your diet on track. But it comes down how serious you are about achieving and maintaining the Whole New You. No magic wands here, Cinderella: it's time to be your own fairy godmother. Let's woman-up and become the best of what we want, and what we are.

Sweet Sweetness

I've been hearing a lot of buzz around the health and beauty markets about acai berries. It seems sweet acai is the It Factor in many new supplements, and almost all the companies that sell acai products mention weight loss in addition to other remarkable benefits of this little berry. Why all the talk? Like many other fruits (such as grapes and tomatoes), acai berries are very rich in antioxidants, which neutralize free radicals.

What does that mean? Well, antioxidants help cleanse your body of toxins and boost your immune system, while improving your digestive process. In 25 words or less: they help your body eliminate built-up waste. As a result, your metabolism functions more efficiently and you drop the pounds that were hanging around from the cheeseburger you ate in '06. It also means you empty what's essentially your body's trash compactor. To use an SAT-style analogy: garbage : rats and roaches :: built-up waste : poochy tummies and a dull complexion.

What makes acai so special is the amount of antioxidants it contains: the highest found in fruits, which is the antioxidant-rich food group. It's one of many reasons why fruit is a vital part of every healthy and successful diet.  Dr. Atkins should blush. This is why smart, effective diets like South Beach and Weight Watchers emphasize eating whole fruit rather than fruit juice: the fruit contains all the incredible nutrition, NOT the juice.

Acai fruit can undoubtedly help reverse health imbalances and improve your metabolism and digestion. But it's important to choose the right acai product. If you'd like to investigate the myriad acai products, I recommend beginning with USDA Organic Certified products. This certification ensures that the harvesting and processing of acai fruit is of the highest quality, and has preserved as much of the pure fruit as possible.

However, it's difficult to find acai juice on the shelves of your local supermarket. Check out Acai In Review. As its name suggests, the website reviews  acai products (both supplements and foods), while considering product cost and quality, company information and any special discounts or free trials (some of which are hidden). Acai in Review is a good resource to narrow down your options and find the best product for the best cost.

ACAI QUICK FACTS

* Has a rich, sweet cocoa-berry taste. Think "chocolate-raspberry".

* ORAC (antioxidant) value of 3871. That's 2x the value of pomegranates.

* Comes from the Amazon Rainforest. Acai products support the cultivation of the Rainforest, helping to keep at least some of the land safe from destruction.

* Can help support many aspects of health, including your cardiovascular, digestive and immune systems.

Flower Drum Soup w. Ginger Broth

The perfect winter soup: easy, quick and comforting. Inspired by traditional Chinese flavors, this soup is endlessly versatile. It’s very filling but low in carbs, rich-tasting yet low in fat, and best of all it packs a whopping 48 grams of protein per serving! To round out for a complete meal, serve with steamed edamame tossed with coarse-grain salt, and for dessert, Fuji apples or pears. 

For extra bulk, try adding sliced water chestnuts and shredded Napa cabbage. Pssst! This soup is also a great way to get all the flavor of Chicken Noodle Soup without paying for it in starch. 

Tip: Flower Drum Soup can be easily made for vegetarians. Simply omit the chicken and add more tofu. 

Flower Drum Soup 

per serving: 343 calories, 11g fat, 12g carbohydrate, 48g protein 

Serves 4 

1 pound block firm tofu 

6 cups low-fat chicken or vegetable stock 

1-inch piece fresh ginger, sliced 

1 package sliced mushrooms 

1 package stemmed snowpeas, cut in half 

2 medium-size carrots, sliced into thin rounds 

2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut in strips 

3 scallions, chopped 

1 tablespoon low-sodium soy sauce 

1 egg, beaten 

Salt and black pepper to taste 

Season chicken with salt and pepper. Cut tofu into cubes. Combine broth and ginger slices in a large soup pot, bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes. Add mushrooms and simmer 5 minutes. Add tofu, chicken strips, snow peas and carrots and simmer 5 minutes, or until chicken is opaque. Add scallions and soy sauce, and bring to a boil. Remove from heat and slowly pour egg into soup, stirring constantly so that egg cooks into wisps. Season to taste with salt and pepper, and serve!

Beautiful Basics

So it’s 2009 now, and we’ve all made resolutions, but now that the New Year’s Day Hangover has passed and the smoke has cleared – it’s still winter and we still crave comfort food and cozy hibernation. We want to make 2009 the year of Goal Weight Achievement or Maintenance, but it’s a long, cold 4 months until Bikini Season Hysteria. 

Let’s start off simply: make easy, small changes that will pay off in spades by the time April rolls around. The Pink Patch is a great way to do this, because it’s designed for steady, safe weight loss. By wearing the Pink Patch, and putting the following simple diet tips to use, you’ll greet the warm weather excited to try on all the new styles or bring out the “skinny” classics you’ve been saving! Don't forget to check out the Pink Patch 7 Day Meal Plan as well - it's got great-tasting, easy recipes and more easy-to-follow diet advice.

Below is the round-up of what’s basically the Pink Patch Blog’s greatest hits. Simple, easy ways to lose weight get healthy that won’t break your heart.

* Try to make water your only beverage, other than coffee or tea. It’s the simplest change you can make, and the results - less cravings, clear skin, good energy - simply can’t be beat. PLUS: we often mistake dehydration for hunger. Before you gaze longingly at a cheeseburger, drink a tall glass of water. Then decide if it’s really worth the thousands of calories and fat grams. 

* Avoid mixed alcoholic drinks, and try to stick to wine. You’ll eliminate a ton of sugar from your diet, plus you’ll get some amazing heart health benefits. 

* Try to stick to snack foods that are low-fat or fat-free, low sugar, high in fiber or a good source of protein, such as fat-free, low sugar yogurt; any fresh fruit; instant plain oatmeal (made with water and honey); dried fruit like apricots or cranberries; almonds, walnuts or pecans; or 100-Calorie-Pack Mini Rice Cakes. 

* Whole grain or whole wheat bread are musts. They’re low in carbs and high in fiber. 

* Stick to safe spreads like mustard, low-fat mayonnaise, hummus or Neufchatel cheese (a.k.a. low-fat cream cheese). 

* Grilled, baked, steamed, broiled, or poached. These are the words you need to look for. Any item prepared in these manners will be healthier than other options because they don’t require much (or for some) any added fat. 

* Cure your desire for sweets with fat-free, low sugar puddings; any fruit-flavored sorbet or Italian Ice; sugar-free hard candies; fat-free or low-fat frozen yogurt; Fudgesicles; frozen fruit; or low-sugar jello. 

* Do at least 10 crunches every day. It’s simple, and you’ll find you can easily do 10 more.

Happy New Year!